intimate actions
the statistics going against second marriages are disheartening. According to the numbers (garnered from several law websites), 67% of second marriages end in failure. those numbers were a frequent topic of conversation when warren and i were talking about marriage and how we were going to prevent ourselves from becoming another statistic. add to that the infidelity factor, trust issues and healing of the damage being betrayed causes, and it was a scary proposition.
BUT, while 67% wind up getting divorced again, that means 33% succeed. we were determined to find ways to make it into that 33rd-percentile and among the couples celebrating 20th and beyond double-digit anniversaries. we did pre-maritial counseling, we did long studies together and talked about our strengths and failings, we prayed…we adjusted and re-visited…hoping we were walking into this with eyes wide open, we hit our issues head on, and began work on addressing those inner struggles.
it truly is a scary thing to be faced with an uphill battle at the outset. by the time it was all said and done, and we were moving toward marriage, we felt stronger, empowered and realistic. marriage is hard work. what makes it work is when those warm fuzzies go away, staying committed and thinking beyond ourselves.
having a strong bonded foundation on which to build is also a good thing. and here’s where we found the secret: we read together. not only bible studies, and relationship studies, but stories. we’re both fantasy fans, and love science fiction…so the stories we have are full of rich color and characterisations.
i wondered why this seemed to be such a solid hit–did a little bit of research and found that, according to Steve LeVeen, reading aloud helps create an elixer of adult love. you know the benefits of reading to children–those are very similar to reading to your spouse–bonding, and time to share. LeVeen writes, “When it’s practiced later in life, reading aloud can continue to have transformational results. In particular, it can strengthen the bonds of love.”
He goes on to say, “Sheherazade saved her life by telling a thousand and one nightly tales. I wonder how many thousands of relationships have been saved the same way? I also know of a family that enjoys circulating the same copy of a novel among all family members before finally returning it to its original owner. There’s something nice about knowing everyone in the family cradled the same good book.”
what’s really great about this is that BFG and i can share a story together, even if he has to work. he can be working at his computer, but still listening to the story i’m reading…and we’re sharing time…we can talk about what’s happening and the stories prompt some interesting discussion. it means that i’m not locked out of his space when he has to work–we can share it–and it makes him feel like i support him.
these were foundational problems in our prior marriages—and reading aloud together is helping us be pro-active as well as build a future together. this is way TMI, i know, but it’s exciting for me to realize what this investment is doing for a cherished relationship.
i will always treasure those moments when i look over at him, and his eyes are round as saucers because he’s so drawn into the story. love it…love it!