the shrew
i can’t say ‘i’ve always wanted to make a difference in the world’. i doubt that’s true. i can say ‘i want to make a difference in people’s lives that i touch.’
that is a burning drive. i want to matter, but find this morning feeling like no matter what i do, it’s not enough. i could vaporize and the absence might make one or two people cringe, and in a little while, things will be back to normal. it’s an uncomfortably familiar feeling–i felt this seven years ago and allowed it to fester.
This feeling is one, when taken to its extreme, that ends in selfish action. on the other end of the spectrum is selflessness. ironically, when Christ’s person was absent, his impact, the imprint of his person and who He is remains powerful.
and then the pendulum swings back to me again. and it’s a ‘woe is me eat some worms’ kinda whine. i can see on the other end of this chasm, there is the Spiritual person of Christ who is wholly selfless and able to be love to those on this end who are having an endless self-pity party.
today, old insecurities are plaguing me. they surprised me because i thought i dealt with them and was over them. but here i am, struggling to remain focused on what is pure, lovely, virtuous and honorable…
as i began analyzing these odd feelings, the contrast between my wish to be important to people and the person of Christ was so stark, i backed off, passing them off as PMS residuals. a couple hours later, they came back en masse, and i started looking for people to judge…
faced with that spectre, i really searched for the ‘why’ behind this awful shrew emerging inside my skin…and…AHA! the shrew is the troll’s cousin. in case you’d forgotten, i managed to identify the troll during the early days of the dealing with my ex husband’s infidelities. the troll was the spirit of bitterness and unforgiveness. i had to lock him in a cage and starve him to death by not doing things that fed the anger and bitterness…not allowing it to fester.
the shrew is like a mutated version of this troll. the best way i can put it is that it’s an ungrateful heart. it leads to envy and jealousy. that, in turn, can manifest in ways that taint the reality of all the relationships around me. i suppose the reason i reveal that i battle the shrew today is that it’s an admission of fallibility. i have gotten distracted from my true aim, to glorify God in whatever i do, and turned the focus inward to take what i want so i feel better. it’s no surprise that what i see there is so pitiful. it’s all junk to me because those things are stolen goods.
i had just written that ‘i guess it’s time to put the shrew in the basement and lock the door.’ but that keeps her in the house. and in the dark. two favorite habitats in which to thrive.
might just be time to clean house.